Welcome to Paisley Petunia…part two!

I find inspiration in pretty pictures, endless possibilities in a bowl of Meyer lemons, the meaning of lifetime devotion in the wagging tails of our 3 rescue dogs, end-of- the-day bliss in a glass of red wine and now, the boundless, soul clutching meaning of life in the faces of my 2 little angels.

It's a happy, creative, joy-full life we've got here in the LA sun. Come play! Bring wine.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Country. Fried.

Some of you probably know that in March of last year we packed up our boxes and said bye bye to Bev Hills. Bye bye to traffic, crime, smog and small backyards; hello to wide open spaces, big yards, easy parking, PUBLIC schools. It was to say the least, a BIG change but one that I fully embraced as an upgrade. My husband, bless his heart was less convinced but loved our new house and also knows, “happy wife-happy life” so off we went.

I have a big garden, a pool, an atrium, 6 bedrooms, a charming rooster across the street at Lisa Marie Presley’s house and omg I also have…


The Israeli Cricket also DBA Potato Bug and Satan’s Death Cricket. Um, yeah. It is that bad and please don’t be misled by the picture, this thing is freaking huge. And its eyes y’all. *Shudder* He was waiting for me outside my front door one morning. Like a demonic, welcoming committee.

I also have this:

*someone else’s picture and Hornworm, mine is smashed into green goo-credit and link here*

The Tomato Hornworm (aka, your tomatoes just got their a$$ kicked.) So, I found this little, six inch gem on my arm whilst trying to remove the 100 half eaten tomatoes which I thought had been pillaged by some sort of rodent (based on the repulsive amount of droppings around the tomatoes.) Imagine my surprise when this guy clasped his grimy, alien tentacles onto my arm. And they DON’T let go. Like a passenger on a Titanic lifeboat, these mofo’s hold on for dear life. To say I screamed would in fact be an understatement. I screamed on and off for probably two weeks.

Ok. Satan beetle-check. And now the death worm from hell. Ok. Country living is starting to feel slightly scary.

Flash forward to this:

A mother fck%ng (pardon my French) snake in my bathroom. Yep, that’s my bathroom tile and that’s a young, gopher snake. Kill me now. And big shout out to my THREE dogs (two terriers and one 85 lb German Shepard) who never barked once while this thing was enjoying his free nights stay in my bedroom. We spared him his life but did fling him into Lisa Marie’s yard. A fate worse than death maybe?

Real life LIVE snake my bathroom-check.

Ready for one more?

*not my actual picture-someone else’s murderous bird of prey, credit here*

Imagine this: I’m sleeping because it’s 1:30 a.m. and my dogs (who never barked at the snake) start barking, growling and going crazy. I instantly assume snakes are back in force to avenge eviction of their brother (like when they kick out the teenage Mormon boys on Big Love and they all come back later to seek revenge on Roman and his followers.) Anyways. Try to wake up husband, remember he is in New York. Shit. Get up. Turn on lights. Look for snake or murderer. Check on babies. All is well. Nothing to be seen anywhere. Dogs stop barking. Fine. Lights off. Back to sleep.

Five minutes later. *Bang bang bang* Smash smash smash* Oh shit, I am being robbed. Discover sound is coming from chimney above my bedroom fireplace. I am now sure an animal has fallen down the chimney into my fireplace. Expect to see very angry raccoon trapped in fireplace. No. Hmmm. Continue listening to this awful banging, (add some screeching) for about 15 minutes. Silence. WTF? Finally fall asleep.

Wake up. Feed babies. Wonder if I dreamed the whole thing. See pool guy. Tell him about noise to which he says?nodding “Oh sure, that’s the owl. I’ve been finding small, animal carcasses near your pool for a few weeks now. They catch the rabbits, bludgeon them to death, then they dip them in the pool, eat the meat and leave the bones for me to clean up. Guess he likes sitting on your chimney. Hey, enjoy your coffee, man your kids are cute, can you give this invoice to your husband. I didn’t charge you for taking away the dead animals.” Har har har.

Homicidal owl-check.

You. Cannot. Be. Serious.

Um, anyone have a rental in the city?


ps: do you know you can actually Google image “homicidal owl” and get multiple results?

Posted by c  at   9:53 PM    0 comment

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